What Loss Taught Me
At what should be my 11th week of pregnancy, I hear, “There is no fetal heartbeat, no yolk sac, and your baby isn’t growing. Your body is going to begin to miscarry.”
The heartache that followed, the disappointment, the blame, “Is it my fault? Could I have done something different to ensure a healthy baby?” The hurt and confusion that the Lord would gift us this baby only to allow us to experience a loss in the womb, it just felt so cruel.
I wrote this letter to our baby in hopes to help bring healing for myself and others.
I wasn’t expecting you. I didn't pray or plan for you, you came by way of a “surprise.” I wasn’t expecting all that would come with the news of your soon-to-be arrival. You brought a new sense of excitement and hope to our family. And now, you would be taken from us—more news we weren’t expecting or ready for.
After a very hard year and so many changes and challenges, we often feel as if everything had been stripped from us, could we handle another stripping?
We had already questioned if we ever dream, trust or love again.
In the midst of the joy and heartache combined, I wasn’t expecting what you would teach me through all this.
You have taught me to dream again. Dream of a future full of life and love. Dream beyond myself and current circumstances. You taught me to trust again. That I can trust the Lord in the midst of heartache and confusion, He is near, holding me through it all.
You taught me to love again. You showed me how to, once again, encounter a love that was selfless and outside of my own humanity. That from the depths of my being I could love without fear. You reminded me of the love Jesus has for me. A love so strong that He would choose me. That Jesus would choose to die for me because that is how much He loves me!
After a very traumatic miscarriage and lots of heartache, I both celebrate and grieve you, I am grateful to have had the opportunity to experience love again, to dream again, and to trust in the One who, out of deep love, gave His very life in exchange for mine.
I know we aren’t the only people to experience the pain of miscarrying. My hope is that if you are in the grieving stage, you would find healing through Jesus. You would find safe people to support you through this.
As always, reach out. I’d be honored to pray with and for you.
